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Bill Maher Quotes | Quotes said by Bill Maher

  • Bill Maher Quote #1

    New Rule: Republicans must stop pitting the American people against the government. Last week, we heard a speech from Republican leader Bobby Jindal--and he began it with the story that every immigrant tells about going to an American grocery store for the first time and being overwhelmed with the endless variety on the shelves. And this was just a 7-Eleven--wait till he sees a Safeway. The thing is, that endless varietyexists only because Americans pay taxes to a government, which maintains roads, irrigates fields, oversees the electrical grid, and everything else that enables the modern American supermarket to carry forty-seven varieties of frozen breakfast pastry.

    Of course, it's easy to tear government down--Ronald Reagan used to say the nine most terrifying words in the Englishlanguage were I'm from the government and I'm here to help. But that was before I'm Sarah Palin, now show me the launch codes.

    The stimulus package was attacked as typical tax and spend--like repairing bridges is left-wing stuff. There the liberals go again, always wanting to get across the river. Folks, the people are the government--the first responders who put out fires--that's your government. The ranger who shoos pedophiles out of the park restroom, the postman who delivers your porn.

    How stupid is it when people say, That's all we need: the federal government telling Detroit how to make cars or Wells Fargo how to run a bank. You want them to look like the post office?

    You mean the place that takes a note that's in my hand in L.A. on Monday and gives it to my sister in New Jersey on Wednesday, for 44 cents? Let me be the first to say, I would be thrilled if America's health-care system was anywhere near as functional as the post office.

    Truth is, recent years have made me much more wary of government stepping aside and letting unregulated private enterprise run things it plainly is too greedy to trust with. Like Wall Street. Like rebuilding Iraq.

    Like the way Republicans always frame the health-care debate by saying, Health-care decisions should be made by doctors and patients, not government bureaucrats, leaving out the fact that health-care decisions aren't made by doctors, patients, or bureaucrats; they're made by insurance companies. Which are a lot like hospital gowns--chances are your gas isn't covered.

  • Bill Maher Quote #2

    [F]reedom isn't free. It shouldn't be a bragging point that Oh, I don't get involved in politics, as if that makes you somehow cleaner. No, that makes you derelict of duty in a republic. Liars and panderers in government would have a much harder time of it if so many people didn't insist on their right to remain ignorant and blindly agreeable.

  • Bill Maher Quote #3

    After September 11th, I never much liked the trend of everyone and his brother wearing the hats and jackets of the NYPD and FDNY. Only the people who do the job should get to wear the hat. Would you wear someone else's Medal of Honor?

    Yes, it's a tribute, and sincere tribute is always appropriate for these brave people. But wearing their symbols is also rubbing off a piece of heroism that isn't yours.

  • Bill Maher Quote #4

    America is bad at discriminating between danger likely to strike again, and red herrings, the freaking helpings of disaster that no man or plan can prevent.

  • Bill Maher Quote #5

    Americans today confuse freedom with not being asked to sacrifice. The fact that you can't have everything you want exactly when you want it has somehow become un-American.

  • Bill Maher Quote #6

    And, corny as it may sound, I do cherish the bond between me and the audience, the minority that follows my stuff and always makes me glad it's us against the world.

  • Bill Maher Quote #7

    Be out of the mainstream. I'm out of the mainstream. I enjoy it, who wants to be in the mainstream?

  • Bill Maher Quote #8

    Brave Americans in past wars didn't die for the actual flag--they died for the freedom it represents, including the freedom to burn it.

  • Bill Maher Quote #9

    But females in even the most advanced Muslim countries are simply, by law, not the equal of men.

  • Bill Maher Quote #10

    But what is it that drives haters crazy with rage? Many times, it's being ignored. To a person with pride, being ignored is often worse than out-and-out hate; it's that much more of an insult, that you're not even worth noticing.

  • Bill Maher Quote #11

    Can we go back to using Facebook for what it was originally for - looking up exes to see how fat they got?

  • Bill Maher Quote #12

    Claiming the budget can't allow it reminds me of when you walk into a restaurant at a civilized hour like ten o'clock and they say the kitchen is closed. For years I would hear this, and think, damn, just a little too late, oh well, thank you, I guess it's Denny's again.

    And then one day it hit me: kitchens don't close. Just as at home, at a certain point in the night, I stop using the kitchen--but at three in the morning, if I want to, I still have the ability to go downstairs and re-open the kitchen by turning on the stove and opening the refrigerator! Restaurants are not banks; at the stroke of ten an enormous airlock doesn't seal off the kitchen and render the preparation of food an utter impossibility./ No, kitchens can open and budgets are what certain people say they are.

  • Bill Maher Quote #13

    Do not fuck with gun nuts because they are nuts about their guns.

  • Bill Maher Quote #14

    Don't get so tolerant that you tolerate intolerance.

  • Bill Maher Quote #15

    Every day in America is a day with a shooting.

  • Bill Maher Quote #16

    Everything that used to be a sin is now a disease.

  • Bill Maher Quote #17

    Faced with our addiction to oil, what does our leadership say? Get more of it!

    Strange when you consider their answer to drug dependence is to cut off the supply.

  • Bill Maher Quote #18

    Fake it. We know you can do that. We’ve seen your sex tape.

  • Bill Maher Quote #19

    Fascism is when corporations become the government.

  • Bill Maher Quote #20

    First of all understand that I get it. That there are millions and millions of women who are steely eyed realists. And millions and millions of men who are anything but. However. For lack of a better term I would say that the feminine values are the values of america :

    Sensitivity is more important than Truth. Feeling are more important than Facts. Commitment is more important than Individuality. Children are more important than People. Safety is more important than Fun.

    I always hear women say 'Y'know married men live longer'.

    Yes. And an indoor cat also, lives longer.

  • Bill Maher Quote #21

    First of all understand that I get it. That there are millions and millions of women who are steely eyed realists. And millions and millions of men who are anything but. However. For lack of a better term I would say that the feminine values are the values of america :

    Sensitivity is more important than Truth. Feelings are more important than Facts. Commitment is more important than Individuality. Children are more important than People. Safety is more important than Fun.

    I always hear women say 'Y'know married men live longer'.

    Yes. And an indoor cat also, lives longer.

  • Bill Maher Quote #22

    For months in the fall of 2001, our highways looked like a county fair on wheels. Look out, Al-Qaeda---patriot on board! I once saw a guy with five flags tell a guy with four flags to go back to Afghanistan.

  • Bill Maher Quote #23

    Forget bringing the troops home from Iraq. We need to get the troops home from World War II. Can anybody tell me why, in 2009, we still have more than sixty thousand troops in Germany and thirty thousand in Japan? At some point, these people are going to have to learn to rape themselves. Our soldiers have been in Germany so long they now wear shorts with black socks. You know that crazy soldier hiding in the cave on Iwo Jima who doesn’t know the war is over? That’s us.

    Bush and Cheney used to love to keep Americans all sphinctered-up on the notion that terrorists might follow us home. But actually, we’re the people who go to your home and then never leave. Here’s the facts: The Republic of America has more than five hundred thousand military personnel deployed on more than seven hundred bases, with troops in one hundred fifty countries—we’re like McDonald’s with tanks—including thirty-seven European countries—because you never know when Portugal might invade Euro Disney. And this doesn’t even count our secret torture prisons, which are all over the place, but you never really see them until someone brings you there—kinda like IHOP.

    Of course, Americans would never stand for this in reverse—we can barely stand letting Mexicans in to do the landscaping. Can you imagine if there were twenty thousand armed Guatemalans on a base in San Ber-nardino right now? Lou Dobbs would become a suicide bomber.

    And why? How did this country get stuck with an empire? I’m not saying we’re Rome. Rome had good infrastructure. But we are an empire, and the reason is because once America lands in a country, there is no exit strategy. We’re like cellulite, herpes, and Irish relatives: We are not going anywhere. We love you long time!

  • Bill Maher Quote #24

    Freedom isn't free. It shouldn't be a bragging point that 'Oh, I don't get involved in politics,' as if that makes someone cleaner. No, that makes you derelict of duty in a republic. Liars and panderers in government would have a much harder time of it if so many people didn't insist on their right to remain ignorant and blindly agreeable.

  • Bill Maher Quote #25

    I do think the patriotic thing to do is to critique my country. How else do you make a country better but by pointing out its flaws?

  • Bill Maher Quote #26

    I don't respect thinking that is dangerous, prejudicial, childish, and could get me killed.

  • Bill Maher Quote #27

    I don't ridicule religion, it ridicules itself.

  • Bill Maher Quote #28

    I don't want to say Monsanto is evil right off the bat, but why is Monsanto so evil?

  • Bill Maher Quote #29

    I find that the world is changing much, much faster than I can even bitch about it.

  • Bill Maher Quote #30

    I hate stupidity, but what I hate even more is when people actually brag about it.

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