Jarod Kintz Quote #1
#Networking is people looking for people looking for people. As for me, I’m more of a birdwatcher.
Jarod Kintz Quote #2
-Do you see that??
-Yeah, what is it??
-That’s the truth.?
-How can you tell it’s the truth??
-Because it’s ugly.Jarod Kintz Quote #3
-Good thing you don’t own a mirror, Mr. Mirrorless, or you’d see how ugly you are.?
-What makes you think I don’t own a mirror? Every face that ever looks at me tells me that I’m ugly. But every time I make them laugh, I get to show them what beauty really is.?
-I see what you mean. Here, take my rearview mirror. I don’t need to carry it around like a vagina on a rope anymore.?
-Mr. Thrustsalone, you don’t need to drag a vagina on a rope like some kind of pet on a leash to make you happy. There’s a reason why God invented right hands and hookers.?
-Why, so politicians could have more productive ways to spend their time and our money than engaging in politics??
-Mr. Thrustsalone, you are wise beyond your years.?
-I’m 88 years old.?
-Yet you don’t look a day older than 87.Jarod Kintz Quote #4
-Hey, neighbor, is your wife free for a date today??
-No, I’m taking her out this afternoon??
-Great! Then you won’t mind if I come over and mow your lawn. Sucker!Jarod Kintz Quote #5
-I don’t want you to do anything.
-Well then I won’t do anything.?
-Thank you.?
-Doing nothing, it’s the least I can do.Jarod Kintz Quote #6
-I have this friend—you don’t know him—but—?
-Is his name Molloway??
-No.?
-Oh. I don’t know anybody named Molloway, so that’s why I was asking.Jarod Kintz Quote #7
-I’m 60-years-old.?
-Ma’am, I don’t believe it.?
-You’re too kind.?
-It’s true. You look at least 75.Jarod Kintz Quote #8
-I’m looking for a man—?
-There are several suspects in Topeka, Ks. that match that description. Why don’t you try there first?Jarod Kintz Quote #9
-Is he dead??
-Gosh I hope so, because I went to a lot of trouble to dig his grave.Jarod Kintz Quote #10
-My son was 32 when he died.?
-Degrees? So he froze to death, huh?Jarod Kintz Quote #11
-There’s a beautiful woman here for you who wants to have sex.?
-Tell her I’m married. Then tell her I’ll be there as soon as I can.Jarod Kintz Quote #12
-You don’t want to come out and celebrate with me tonight? What’s more important than the fact that I just got a job??
-My grandpa just died.?
-Oh, shit. I’m sorry, man.?
-Oh, no, he’s still alive. I was just giving you an example of something more important.Jarod Kintz Quote #13
0 plus 100 equals 100. But so does 50 plus 50, only with more balance. Let this be a lesson in love.
Jarod Kintz Quote #14
01210 is a pyramid, & worms move like handicapped snakes. My dream belongs in a wheelchair, because I just spilled coffee all over my sleep.
Jarod Kintz Quote #15
1-12, how many Decembers does it take to sell thirteen to Mr. Fourteen and Mr. Months? Depends on how much love you throw in for free.
Jarod Kintz Quote #16
1-12, twice a day, this is how we measure our lives, and yet nobody notices the redundancy, and yet nobody notices the redundancy. Time flies while you're having fun - But what happens if you're not having fun, does time have to call Uber?
-Jarod Kintz and James Lee SchmidtJarod Kintz Quote #17
10% ago I was 90% unsure of what I didn’t want to do. Now I’m just 33.3% sure that I’m 66.6% unsure. And I can say this with .1% certainty.
Jarod Kintz Quote #18
12 million Gertrudes agree—their name isn’t Gertrude. I know, because I asked them out to coffee, and only one responded. She said yes to coffee—and no to me.
Jarod Kintz Quote #19
18 is like two snoozes back to back, or the birthday of two clones, blindfolded, standing back to back.
Jarod Kintz Quote #20
18 rules for not getting caught. 1-17: don’t tell anybody. #18: not even your clone.
Jarod Kintz Quote #21
19-year ninja veterans are best at representing 16-year-old cave shadows. So let us not delay in making love to the sound of clapping. Though we need no applause for our performance.
Jarod Kintz Quote #22
2 out of 4 numbers prefer being in the bottom 50 percent. Half of all lovers also prefer being on the bottom.
Jarod Kintz Quote #23
3.5 billion men in the world all share one I love you. That’s why men rarely say it, because there is only one in the world for the whole gender to share and take turns using.
Jarod Kintz Quote #24
30% of the time I am successful 70% of the time. That’s 100% in my book—a book that happens to have a page count that’s 21% Reduced Fat.
Jarod Kintz Quote #25
33 old people went into a nursing home, and only 34 people came out alive. One old woman died while giving birth to twins.
Jarod Kintz Quote #26
4 in 5 Americans disapprove of the job Congress is doing, which begs the question: Are 1 in 5 Americans retarded??
Jarod Kintz Quote #27
50 bucks sounds fair to me. Especially since I’m not doing anything to earn it.
Jarod Kintz Quote #28
50% of sales are going to come from women buying it for men, but where are the other 50% in sales going to come from? Mars. The thing I’m selling? Love. Supplies are unlimited, and free, so hurry and buy today.
Jarod Kintz Quote #29
6 pm isn’t closer to noon than 6 am in reality, but mentally the difference is like night and day.
Jarod Kintz Quote #30
60% of children are born to unwed mothers. I should start pulling out.?
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