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Jon Stewart Quotes | Quotes said by Jon Stewart

  • Jon Stewart Quote #1

    1. Society needs laws. While anarchy can often turn a humdrum weekend into something unforgettable, eventually the mob must be kept from stealing the conch and killing Piggy. And while it would be nice if that something was simple human decency, anybody who has witnessed the 50% Off Wedding Dress Sale at Filene's Basement knows we need a backup plan—preferably in writing. On the other hand, too many laws can result in outright tyranny, particularly if one of those laws is Kneel before Zod. Somewhere between these two extremes lies the legislative sweet-spot that produces just the right amount of laws for a well-adjusted society—more than zero, less than fascism.


  • Jon Stewart Quote #2

    [Politicans] are salespeople. Instead of rotisserie ovens they are selling this idea of preemptive war or social-security reforms.

  • Jon Stewart Quote #3

    As heirs to a legacy more than two centuries old, it is understandable why present-day Americans would take their own democracy for granted. A president freely chosen from a wide-open field of two men every four years; a Congress with a 99% incumbency rate; a Supreme Court comprised of nine politically appointed judges whose only oversight is the icy scythe of Death -- all these reveal a system fully capable of maintaining itself. But our perfect democracy, which neither needs nor particularly wants voters, is a rarity. It is important to remember there still exist other forms of government in the world today, and that dozens of foreign countries still long for a democracy such as ours to be imposed on them.

  • Jon Stewart Quote #4

    As our larynxes descended, we were able to make sounds with our mouths in new and far more expressive ways. Verbal language soon overtook physical gesturing as the primary means of communication for all human beings except Italians. (Earth (The Book), p. 36)

  • Jon Stewart Quote #5

    Being a superpower is like being a Santa Claus that everyone hates.

  • Jon Stewart Quote #6

    By the way, when you finish the bottle of Crown Royal, you can still use the pouch to hold your broken dreams.

  • Jon Stewart Quote #7

    Donald Rumsfeld. Love him or hate him, you've gotta admit: a lot of people hate him.

  • Jon Stewart Quote #8

    Evil is relatively rare; ignorance is epidemic.

  • Jon Stewart Quote #9

    Free time is death to the anxious, and thank goodness I don't have any of it right now.

  • Jon Stewart Quote #10

    Get there early because hope does not park your mother-fucking car.

  • Jon Stewart Quote #11

    Here's the point - you're looking at affirmative action, and you're looking at marijuana. You legalize marijuana, no need for quotas, because really, who's gonna wanna work?

  • Jon Stewart Quote #12

    I celebrated Thanksgiving in an old-fashioned way. I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house, we had an enormous feast, and then I killed them and took their land.

  • Jon Stewart Quote #13

    I have some bad news. Bjork cannot be here tonight. She was trying on her Oscar dress and Dick Cheney shot her.

  • Jon Stewart Quote #14

    I was born in New York City, but I was raised in New Jersey, part of the great Jewish emigration of 1963.

  • Jon Stewart Quote #15

    I was born with an adult head and a tiny body. Like a 'Peanuts' character.

  • Jon Stewart Quote #16

    I'm not just a boy toy. I have feelings and dreams like anybody else.

  • Jon Stewart Quote #17

    I've been to Canada, and I've always gotten the impression that I could take the country over in about two days.

  • Jon Stewart Quote #18

    I’m not going to censor myself to comfort your ignorance

  • Jon Stewart Quote #19

    If America leads a blessed life, then why did God put all of our oil under people who hate us?

  • Jon Stewart Quote #20

    If the events of September 11, 2001, have proven anything, it's that the terrorists can attack us, but they can't take away what makes us American -- our freedom, our liberty, our civil rights. No, only Attorney General John Ashcroft can do that.

  • Jon Stewart Quote #21

    If we amplify everything, we hear nothing.

  • Jon Stewart Quote #22

    If your regime is not strong enough to handle a joke, then you? have no regime.

  • Jon Stewart Quote #23

    It's funny. When we were alive we spent much of our time staring up at the cosmos and wondering what was out there. We were obsessed with the moon and whether we could one day visit it. The day we finally walked on it was celebrated worldwide as perhaps man's greatest achievement. But it was while we were there, gathering rocks from the moon's desolate landscape, that we looked up and caught a glimpse of just how incredible our own planet was. Its singular astonishing beauty. We called her Mother Earth. Because she gave birth to us, and then we sucked her dry.

  • Jon Stewart Quote #24

    It's not that the Democrats are playing checkers and the Republicans are playing chess. It's that the Republicans are playing chess and the Democrats are in the nurse's office because once again they glued their balls to their thighs.

  • Jon Stewart Quote #25

    McVeigh's lawyer got him the death penalty, which, quite frankly, I could have done.

  • Jon Stewart Quote #26

    More than 150 heads of state attended the UN Summit, giving New Yorkers a chance to get in touch with prejudices they didn't even know they had.

  • Jon Stewart Quote #27

    Most world religions denounced war as a barbaric waste of human life. We treasured the teachings of these religions so dearly that we frequently had to wage war in order to impose them on other people.

  • Jon Stewart Quote #28

    No one is better at not beating America than England.

  • Jon Stewart Quote #29

    Often, no sooner would the mind begin to scale the heights of Mt. Knowledge than it would receive a frantic call from body base camp, demanding it return to oversee Operation Masturbate.

  • Jon Stewart Quote #30

    Race is there. You're tire of hearing about it? Imagine how fucking exhausting it is living it.

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