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Page 2 of Jarod Kintz Quotes | Quotes said by Jarod Kintz

  • Jarod Kintz Quote #1

    75% of my life is spent wasting time. The other 25% isn’t nearly as productive.


  • Jarod Kintz Quote #2

    77 degrees in the fall feels cold, and 77 degrees in the spring feels hot. That’s why I’m selling year-round-nudity for half-price.

  • Jarod Kintz Quote #3

    A bad reputation will dog you for years. A good reputation will cat you.?

  • Jarod Kintz Quote #4

    A ball is a great place to dance, or a great thing to dribble. A ball is also a great thing to scratch when it's itchy and sweaty.

  • Jarod Kintz Quote #5

    A banana is not a pistol. Still, please don’t point one at me.

  • Jarod Kintz Quote #6

    A band should be more famous than an individual, because all else being equal, the band has more mothers and fathers to lend support.

  • Jarod Kintz Quote #7

    A banker is a man who will lend you the short sleeve shirt off his back and demand a long sleeve one in return.

  • Jarod Kintz Quote #8

    A bartender is a Keeper of Secrets. Drunk, senseless, useless secrets.?

  • Jarod Kintz Quote #9

    A bathroom that doubles as an elevator would be a great place to open a coffee shop—but only if it’s a Starbucks.

  • Jarod Kintz Quote #10

    A bear trap eats, but does not drink. My love, however, drinks, but does not eat.

  • Jarod Kintz Quote #11

    A beer bottle on a stick, like a broom, is less for cleaning and more for distance drinking. My floor is so filthy I’ll drink twelve.

  • Jarod Kintz Quote #12

    A being of light for a pet wouldn’t be furry, but it would keep you warm—and awake at night.

  • Jarod Kintz Quote #13

    A bird was shot. I suspect fowl play. The next man to be shot is the man who wrote that pun. Excuse me while I load my gun and shoot myself.

  • Jarod Kintz Quote #14

    A blank canvas is so abstract that only imagination can fill it. But wait! Don't hang it on the wall like that. It's upside down.

  • Jarod Kintz Quote #15

    A blanket (twin, full, or queen-sized) could be placed squarely over the state of Rhode Island, and there’d still be enough blanket space left over to keep an obese man warm through a blizzard.

  • Jarod Kintz Quote #16

    A blanket and a brick could be put in a ring and paid to fight. Compared to MMA, it would be boring. But compared to boxing, it would be downright thrilling.

  • Jarod Kintz Quote #17

    A blanket can be a meditation device. If the blanket is white, and you stare at it, you can blank out your mind and find peace within yourself.?

  • Jarod Kintz Quote #18

    A blanket can be a statement—a generalization and truism covering a multitude of categories, like corruption, ineptitude, ignorance, arrogance, greed, and sloth—which would all fall under the blanket of “Politics.

  • Jarod Kintz Quote #19

    A blanket can be rolled up, much like I roll up my emotions when I listen to political rhetoric.?

  • Jarod Kintz Quote #20

    A blanket can be wrapped around one’s head and used as a helmet. It’s particularly appropriate if you wear your blanket helmet during a pillow fight with me, because unbeknownst to you, I’ll have a brick stuffed at the bottom of my pillowcase.?

  • Jarod Kintz Quote #21

    A blanket cold be used as truth. At least it’s so warm, it must be used that way.?

  • Jarod Kintz Quote #22

    A blanket could be bunched up and used as a seat cushion. But I’d rather cut off your buttocks and use that instead. Isn’t it better that I be the one to sit on your fat ass all day? After all, sitting on your ass is all you seem to do now that you’re addicted to high fructose corn syrup and targeted advertisements.

  • Jarod Kintz Quote #23

    A blanket could be considered part of performance art, if you’re inconsiderate and steal all the covers while we’re asleep—and film me shivering and twitching in the night.

  • Jarod Kintz Quote #24

    A blanket could be divided into four even parts and given to three equal people. I’d be an ideal politician, because I believe in social progress.?

  • Jarod Kintz Quote #25

    A blanket could be drenched in water, frozen, and then enjoyed like a giant cotton popsicle by prisoners of a gulag, who might consider this a tasty treat compared to what they normally eat.

  • Jarod Kintz Quote #26

    A blanket could be folded up and kept in the trunk of my car, in much the same way that I do with the Chinese gymnastics team before I chauffer them around town.

  • Jarod Kintz Quote #27

    A blanket could be frozen and used to cool off a warm body as you slowly thaw it out.?

  • Jarod Kintz Quote #28

    A blanket could be hooked to ropes and attached to the body of a swimmer in training, to provide resistance and increase strength and endurance. Those very same ropes could be used to tie me to my bed, to keep me from falling asleep.?

  • Jarod Kintz Quote #29

    A blanket could be hung on your living room wall, and watched instead of nightly news. Not only would it be more honest, but it also would be more entertaining and thought provoking.?

  • Jarod Kintz Quote #30

    A blanket could be made of tuna fish skin, which would go well with my cottage cheese thighs.?

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