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Janet Evanovich Quotes | Quotes said by Janet Evanovich

  • Janet Evanovich Quote #1

    ...Don't you just hate a phony-looking stiff? - Aunt Edna

  • Janet Evanovich Quote #2

    ...I blink back the threat of tears, swiped at my nose and narrowed my eyes. Listen to me, you two bags of monkey shit, I yelled. I am not in a good mood. My car keeps stalling. The day before yesterday I threw up on Joe Morelli. I was called a fat cow by my ex-husband. And if that isn't enough...my hair is ORANGE! ORANGE, FOR CHRISSAKE! And now you have the gall to force yourself into my home and threaten my hamster. Well, you have gone too far. You have crossed the line!

  • Janet Evanovich Quote #3

    [Ranger] How's your mental health? he asked. I heard about Soder.
    [Stephanie] I'm rattled.
    I have a cure.
    Oh, boy.
    He put the truck in gear and headed for the exit. I know what you're thinking, he said. And that wasn't where I was going. I was going to suggest work.
    I knew that.
    He looked over at me and grinned. You want me bad.
    I did. God help me.

  • Janet Evanovich Quote #4

    Almost everybody I know has died,” Grandma said. “Bunch of wimps.

  • Janet Evanovich Quote #5

    Aren't you something, Grandma said. I never saw a midget up close.
    Little person, Briggs said. And I never saw anyone as old as you up close, either.

  • Janet Evanovich Quote #6

    As Stephanie and Lula were going after the bad guys, Lula was making preparations from the trunk of her Firebird. Stephanie looked inside and stopped breathing for a beat. That's a rocket launcher! Yep, Lula said. It's a big boy. I got it at a yard sale in the projects.

  • Janet Evanovich Quote #7

    Babe!

  • Janet Evanovich Quote #8

    Babe, Ranger said. You're looking a little strung out. Is there anything I should know?
    I'm on a sugar withdrawal. I've given up desert and it's all I can think about. That had been true five minutes ago. Now that Ranger was standng in front of me I was thinking a cupcake wasn't what I actually needed.
    Maybe I can help you get your mind off doughnuts, Ranger said.
    My mouth dropped open, and I think some drool might have dribbled out.

  • Janet Evanovich Quote #9

    Besides, there's nobody who is going to watch your back better than me. You know that. And that's why I'm going to be there with you, whenever there is, whenever you ask, and as long as I'm able, he said. It's what fathers do.

    Most father's don't show up with hand grenades and bowie knives.

    They should be ashamed of themselves, Jake said.

  • Janet Evanovich Quote #10

    Bob had a dog buscuit stuck to his head. How does he always get food stuck to him? I asked Morelli.
    I don't know, Morelli said. It's a Bob mystery. I think stuff falls out of his mouth and he rolls in it. I'm not sure.
    -Morelli And Stephanie

  • Janet Evanovich Quote #11

    Calories don’t count if they’re connected to a celebration. Everyone knows this.

  • Janet Evanovich Quote #12

    Connie, giving her thoughts on why Vinnie's hot temper is less than normal, says: Lucille must have fed him a Vallium smoothie this morning.

  • Janet Evanovich Quote #13

    Cooking wasn’t so bad, I thought. In fact, it was a lot like sex. Sometimes it didn’t seem like such a good idea in the beginning, but then after you got into it …

  • Janet Evanovich Quote #14

    Cripes, I can’t keep up on this political correct shit. I don’t even know what to call myself. One minute I’m black. Then I’m African American. Then I’m a person of color. Who the hell makes these rules up, anyhow?

  • Janet Evanovich Quote #15

    Diesel sucked air. You keep fondling me like that, and I might have to marry you.
    I'm not fondling you. I'm looking for the keys!
    Could you look a little more gently? You're scaring my boys.

  • Janet Evanovich Quote #16

    Do you see that man in the black Porsche? I asked the women.
    They squinted out at Ranger. Yes, they said.Your partner.
    He's homeless. He's looking for a place to stay and he might be interested in renting Singh's room.
    Mrs.Apusenja's eyes widened. We could use the income.She looked at Nonnie and then back at Ranger. Is he married?
    Nope. He's single. He's a real catch.
    Connie did something between a gasp and a snort and buried her head back behind the computer. Thank you for everything. Mrs.Apusenja said. I suppose you are not such a bad slut. I will go talk to your partner.:
    Omigod, Connie said, when the door closed behind the Apusenja's. Ranger's going to kill you. The Apusenjas stood beside the Porsche, talkig to Ranger for a few long minutes, giving him the big sales pitch. The pitch wound down, Ranger responded, and Mrs. Apusenja looked disappointed. The two women crossed the road and got into the burgundy Escort and quickly drove away. Ranger turned his head in my direction and our eyes met. His expression was still bemused, but this time it was the sort of bemused expression a kid has when he's pulling the wings off a fly.
    Uh-Oh,Connie said. I whipped around and faced Connie. Quick, give me an FTA. You're backed up, right? For God's sake, give me something fast. I need a reason to stand here until he calms down! Connie shoved a pile of folders at me. Pick one. Any one! Oh shit, he's getting out of his car.....
    He leaned into me and his lips brushed the shell of my ear. Feeling playful?
    I don't know what you're talking about.
    Watch your back babe. I will get even.

    -Ranger and Stephanie

  • Janet Evanovich Quote #17

    Either get out of bed or else take your clothes off, he said. I'm not in the mood to compromise.

  • Janet Evanovich Quote #18

    Embarrassing as it was to admit, I was beginning to enjoy the role, thinking there was nothing like packing a pair of cuffs to put some spring into a woman's step.

  • Janet Evanovich Quote #19

    Everyone wants a Christmas tree. If you had a Christmas tree Santa would bring you stuff! Like hair curlers and slut shoes.

  • Janet Evanovich Quote #20

    Excuse me? I said, palms down on the Formica tabletop. Coffee? I thought we came here for pie. I don't eat the kind of pie they serve here. I felt a flash of heat go through my stomach. I knew firsthand the kind of pie Ranger liked.

  • Janet Evanovich Quote #21

    Fuck, Ranger said.
    Ranger didn't often curse and he rarely raised his voice. The fuck has been entirely conversational. Like he was now midly inconvenienced. He put his Bates boot to the door and the door popped open..

  • Janet Evanovich Quote #22

    He [Ranger] peeled my [Stephanie] clothes off and wrangled me into bed. And then suddenly he was inside me. He once told me that time spent with him would ruin me for all other men. When he said it, I thought it was an outrageous threat. I no longer though it outrageous.

  • Janet Evanovich Quote #23

    He [Ranger] stopped in front of my parents' house, and we both looked to the door. My mother and my grandmother were standing there, watching us.
    I'm not sure I feel comfortable about the way your grandma looks at me, Ranger said.
    [Stephanie] She wants to see you naked.
    I wish you hadn't told me that, babe.
    Everyone I know wants to see you naked.
    And you?
    Never crossed my mind. I held my breath when I said it, and I hoped God wouldn't stike me down dead for lying.

  • Janet Evanovich Quote #24

    He blew himself up.”
    “Get out! You mean like guts all over the place?”
    “Not all over the place,” I said. “He was pretty well contained, all things considered.

  • Janet Evanovich Quote #25

    He squinted at me. What are you wearing? Is that some new form of birth control?

  • Janet Evanovich Quote #26

    He wears jeans, untucked shirts, and a Glock 19, and he has a big shaggy dog named Bob.

  • Janet Evanovich Quote #27

    He's going to jail. He can't see. He can't hear. He can't take a leak that lasts under fifteen minutes. But he has an erection and all the other problems are small change. Next time around I'm coming back as a man. Priorities are clearly defined. Life is simple.

  • Janet Evanovich Quote #28

    He’s sort of a homeless horse,” I said.
    “I’m leaving for the airport in two seconds, and I won’t be back for a couple days. You can put the horse in the garage, but I don’t want that horse in my apartment.”
    “Who would put a horse in an apartment? That’s dumb.”
    “Where’s the horse staying now?”
    “My apartment.”
    “I can always count on you to brighten my day,” Ranger said. And he disconnected.

  • Janet Evanovich Quote #29

    Her concept of paradise was something more immediate: a book and a blanket beneath a tree, where she might read in peace.

  • Janet Evanovich Quote #30

    Here's a basic difference between Morelli and me. My first thought was always of cake. His first thought was always of sex. Don't get me wrong. I like sex . . . a lot. But it's never going to replace cake.

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